Just to show that we are fair-minded here in Flyover Country, I decided to share a Facebook post from my good friend, Molly Pitcher, who is a hardcore white suburban mom:
“Hey girlfriends, I want to explain why you should vote for Joe Biden. The most important thing is that he is a good and decent man, and that is what we need now. I know this, because all my friends say so. And smart people, like Cindy McCain, say so, too. You can tell how good and decent he is just by looking at him – the big toothy smile, the soft white hair, the eyes that seemed to be focused on something unseen, in the distance maybe. A little frail, maybe, but that is touching. Trump, on the other hand, glows orange like a traffic cone, has some crazy squirrel hairdo, and purses his lips and shifts around awkwardly when he speaks. That money Bide spent on a face-lift, dental work, and hair plugs, was totally worth it.
“Trump is a racist. For instance, he said that the KKK has ‘very fine people.’ OK, maybe he didn’t actually say exactly that. It was more like, ‘We condemn in the strongest possible terms this egregious display of hatred, bigotry and violence, on many sides,’ and ‘KKK, neo-Nazis, white supremacists, and other hate groups that are repugnant to everything we hold dear as Americans,’ but it FELT like he was praising the KKK, and that’s what’s important. Biden, on the other hand, has said some really nice stuff about minorities, like ‘poor kids are just as bright and talented as white kids,’ and ‘You cannot go to a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.’ And let’s not forget how Biden called Obama: ‘the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.’ I mean, no wonder he wanted to be Obama’s vice-president. You remember that, right? He was the vice-president to the first black president? You should, because Biden mentions Barack a lot.
“The worst thing about Trump is how he treats women. There is actually a tape of him saying that he grabs women by their unmentionable parts (which he actually mentioned!!) One of these days, one of those women is going to come forward. And he cheated with Stormy Daniels, unless she just said that to promote her stripper career, though she now denies it. Meanwhile, Republicans keep showing all these videos of Biden grabbing and sniffing women from behind. Well, it’s not illegal, is it? Even if those women did look super uncomfortable. Some woman who worked for him, actually claimed that Biden did grab her unmentionables, but why didn’t she make a big deal of it at the time? Telling a couple people, and having your mom tell Larry King about it on air, doesn’t count. Anyway, the important thing is that we got to crochet all those fun pink hats and wear them on the mall. Fun!
“Trump is a bad person because he tweets mean things, and calls people names. He called his GOP primary opponents ‘Low-energy Jeb,’ ‘Little Marco,’ and ‘Lyin’ Ted,’ and now he’s calling Biden ‘Sleepy Joe.’ And he fired Rex Tillerson on Twitter. Not presidential! Biden doesn’t say awful stuff like that. Sure, he called a voter a ‘damn liar,’ and ‘fat’ but I’m pretty sure he deserved it, and he called another one a ‘lying dog-faced pony soldier,’ but no one even knows what that means, so it doesn’t really count. Biden only gets nasty when it’s really important – like making that horrible Robert Bork sound like Cotton Mather, and turning Clarence Thomas into a pervert. The Senate used to have a quaint practice of voting on Supreme Court Justice based on their legal credentials, but as Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, Joe changed all that. Biden pioneered the current practice by which every conservative nominee gets a raft of ugly allegations, often of a bizarrely sexual nature, never true. I mean seriously, legal credentials?
“Trump tells a lot of lies, too. Everything he says is totally different from what I read in the Huffington Post. Biden likes to tell cute little stories. They’re entertainment, not lies. Like saying that he attended a historically black college. That means he’s a fan, which is great. And saying that when they started seeing each other, Jill was a blind date rather than a married campaign volunteer. That’s adorable! Oh, and telling everyone that his first wife was killed by a drunk driver when she was at fault and the guy was actually sober. Whatever he needs to do to help with the pain!
“The most horrible thing Trump has done is collude with Russia. He and Putin have a total bromance going on – they never say bad stuff about each, even when Trump sent lethal foreign aid to Putin’s enemies in Ukraine. That’s how close they are! It’s so bad that the House Democrats spent $32 million on a special prosecutor to investigate. They didn’t actually find anything, but the report said that everyone should keep looking, so you know it’s out there. Joe Biden’s only connection to Russia is that his son Hunter got 3.5 million dollars from the ex-wife of the ex-mayor of Moscow, which he proceeded to spend on hookers and blow. Remember, this is Joe’s son, not Joe, and there are a lot of exes involved, so it barely even counts as Russian. And it’s not really anybody’s business how Hunter spends his money and free time.
“Trump’s dealings in the Ukraine were so shady that the House had to impeach him. The details are murky, but some people say he told the Ukrainian Prime Minister that he would withhold American aid unless the Ukrainians investigated some sort of corruption involving Hillary. Everyone knows there’s nothing more dastardly than investigating corruption by your political opponent, and anyway, everyone knows that Hillary is clean as a whistle, or otherwise she would be in jail by now. Some very trustworthy people said Trump did it, and some very untrustworthy people, like the Ukrainian Prime Minister, said he didn’t, and in the end the Ukrainians got their aid anyway, which proves there was some kind of deal. And Trump would have been removed from office if the Democrats controlled the Senate, which proves how bad the Republicans are. Biden is different. When he was Vice-President, he threatened to cut off aid to the Ukraine to stop them investigating Burisma, an energy company that hired his son Hunter and paid him millions of dollars while Vice President Joe was the Obama Administration’s point man on Ukraine. Biden openly boasted about doing this, so you know it was all on the up-and-up.
“Oh, and Trump has practically started a war with China. He’s not very diplomatic about dealing with them. Trump gets mad about everything – intellectual property theft, firing missiles on our spy plane, militarizing the South China Sea, lying to us about SARS-CoV-2, withholding medical supplies needed to deal with the virus, the man is in a permanent snit over China, probably because he is so racist. Biden, however, is ready to rebuild bridges to Beijing. Both Joe and his jet-setting son Hunter already have close ties to the mainland, since Joe was also the Obama Administration’s point man there, and Hunter also took home millions from Chinese companies! If Joe gets elected (crossing my fingers!) they’ll probably get even closer to the Chinese.
“So anyways, girlfriends, I think you already knew most of this – I mean everybody knows that Trump is a horrible person – but I just wanted to remind you that you need to get out and vote so we can FINALLY have someone ‘good and decent’ in the White House. Mail in that ballot!”